Briefing for MakeInIndia Visitors.

I wrote this Facebook in 2014. I find this just as relevant today.

I brief thus all my foreigner friends who want to come to Make in India:.Mine is a great Country of superior culture. Please don’t kiss in public, in alleys or aisles, roads or parks, in fact anywhere. If you feel the urge to kiss, walk up to the nearest wall and piss and kiss the wall. Or cross the rail track and shit. If you go to do it in Bihar,or in UP, or in the by-lanes of Nehru Place in Delhi, make sure that it’s not twilight (morning or evening) to squat on the roadside and let go, because you might find women doing the same by your side, and they are sure to pick up the nearest available thing and fling it at you. .

We, in India, never kiss. Period. It’s bad culture. It’s OK for two boys in their late teens, or two girls even, to hold hands, have the larger boy wrap his arms around a smaller one’s neck affectionately while staring at you and giggling, particularly in high schools and colleges, or on a reality show in television, but it’s just not OK for a boy and a girl to hold hands or walk together in the campus or in a park…

If you are told you have a Date, don’t get excited about it. it simply means that the hearing of your case in a court has been put off for six months to be put off for another date for six months, and put off for another… and so on. That is what is called date in our Country.’

Tell your wife not to wear short skirts or jeans. If she wears the first, people will stare at her and giggle and continue to stare till you notice the staring and maybe, just maybe, give the guy a come-hither look. Girls would stare and giggle too, but will look away if you stare back. If she wears the jeans,, famous singers, chief ministers or aspiring ministers will lecture you, her and everyone present. Whatever she wears tell her not to go to Goa or travel in a taxi or in a friend’s car in Delhi, or for that matter, anywhere in our Country. If she’s black, no harm, we only fancy white skin, freckled or spotted, sun-burnt or pink like a monkey’s bottom, or of North-East Indian hue.

In our culture, all women are seductresses, so says our Manusmriti. Chrisitan priests and Muslim Maulvis agree, that being the only point we all agree upon. Most women and nearly all men are convinced that rape can only be blamed on women, and not on men. If the flowers show, it is OK to ravage the garden. That is the guiding principle.

If you are in God’s own Country (that name will give you a good idea what we think of God), do not hire a single double-room for your wife, or girlfriend or escort and yourself. You might think that it is none of our business, but our sacred culture makes it our business. Any police inspector might barge in, whether you are having fun or watching TV, give you a slap before asking questions, and then take you both to the police station to ask more questions (and slaps) – it doesn’t matter what clothes you have on. They might even call news photographers to publish your photos and profiles to promote your business of Making in India. You will make Breaking News.’

If you plan to make in our Silicon valley, please learn Kannada and get a good tan from Mauritius before coming so as to look and speak like the locals. They are very particular about the language..Never walk on our footpaths, if you find any. We keep potholes open to trap children, particularly girls.

Up in the North, we are aiming at a sex ratio of a hundred to fifty. We will attain it by 2029 or latest by 2034. .If you have not been to the moon, watch out for the moon-scaping we have done on our roads. The government assures you that it is making 110 kilometers of highways every day. Nobody tells you where. Go find out..

Welcome to MAKE IN INDIA. Just remember to respect our culture. .

End of briefing.

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