My new-found friend Nelson Jacob, who works in a toy factory but also preaches on the sly in a non-preachable and peaceful Country where we both live to earn a living, told me about my fate after death. While thus foretelling my doom, he kept staring suggestively at my white beard, wrinkles under the chin and deepening laugh lines. He emphasized the fearful word DEATH.
“You’re a pagan,” he told me: “Don’t mind my being frank. Pagans who believe in multiple gods and worship stone idols will face a terrible fate when they are called up from their graves.”
I shuddered in abject fear because the time is not far. “But I’m not a pagan,” I pleaded: ”I am what you might call an atheist. Or maybe agnostic.”
“That’s even worse, much worse. If a pagan is burnt in thousand degrees heat, an atheist will burn in two thousand.”
A thousand degrees was terrible enough. I can’t stand anything beyond fifty degrees Celsius. I didn’t dare ask what difference it would make if it was a thousand or two thousand after my nerves were destroyed in the first hundred degrees.
So I agreed to think the matter over and get back to him with a firm date when I would embrace Jesus and seek eternal life. Maybe I will want to go to that beautiful Christian Heaven where old men play the harp to entertain God on his throne of sapphire, Encircling which there would be a rainbow, resembling an emerald. Surrounding it in a wider circle would be twenty-four other thrones, on which would be seated twenty-four elders in white, wearing gold crowns. (Revelation 4. 2-5). Wow, that would be more jazzily opulent than Sri -Sri Ravi Shankar’s Ashram hall in Bangalore. I had always thought that only Hindu gods and goddesses wore so much gold and precious gems. Now I know there is more prosperity and opulence in the Christian Heaven; thus my last objection stood removed.
So that was almost a good reason for me to want to take the dip and confess to Jesus how many times I wanked when I was in my teens while fantasizing the shapely young history teacher who I imagined had a special suggestive smile for me.
There are many American Christian pastors and preachers and evangelists (not that I can spot the difference) who greatly impressed me. For a fine example, the great Rev. Billy Graham, the greatest preacher after Jesus Christ (I hope Dr. Peter Hammond forgives me because he could be greater than both) who had advised every President starting with Eisenhower to George W Bush to go to war with distant nations and napalm the hell out of their peasants, their wives and their children so that they get no chance to become Communists. The fact that the Southern Baptist evangelist Billy with no other source of income but his sermons is probably the richest Pastor in the US with $25 million in his kitty is proof enough that the religion of the one and only true God suspended from a cross brings prosperity. At 98 years of age, Old Billy is still raking in the moolah from radio and TV sermons, which goes to prove the saying of Jesus that “Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.” (Matthew 13:12). Billy Graham must be one of those thus heavily favoured by God, I am sure.
Billy deserves emulation by Christians and even those who aspire to be Christians (like, if you please, Yours Truly). He was so kind-hearted that he personally went to the distant countries to bless the patriotic but wounded American soldiers who did the shooting of those wily peasants and their women and children who would have become godless communists if they were let to live. He didn’t forget to bless the pilots who chased the Vietnamese and Koreans and Afghans and Iraqis from the air and blasted them all to smithereens. “Got that filthy bastard,” the pilot would radio from above. “Bless you, my son, for doing our Lord’s work,” would say the Reverend.
The Great Billy rightly refused to be an advisor to Obama. Not that the Methodist President with a Muslim middle name ever asked. ”I will not advise Obama”, the great man of God had volunteered, “because he supports abortion.”
He had a strong point. Why should thirteen-year-old girls who were raped and got pregnant, go for aborting God’s children? Did the teenaged Mother of Jesus abort after the immaculate conception at the hands (or whatever) of God Himself?
Thankfully, ageing and withering Billy Graham is not alone in spreading the good word in the US. Pastor Steven Anderson who founded the Faithful Word Baptist Church of Arizona convinces me even better. He is sure that God personally wrote the Holy Bible (particularly the Old Testament; the New Testament has other claimants among the four Apostles, Peter, Paul etc.), so every word in the Bible has to be correct to a T.
“The Bible is right about everything, no matter what the subject. If you believe the Bible is the word of God raise your hands. (Everyone but the ignorant sinner like myself raises his or her hands). If the Bible is the word of God, will the Bible be right about everything? (Yes, Yes!!) Those of us who believe in the Bible we know that the Bible is right about every subject… People come out and say: “The Bible is wrong because the Bible condones the slavery”. If the Bible condones slavery, then I condone slavery. I don’t have to figure out; The Bible does really condone slavery.”
I swear these are his own words. Look them up here. Another proof of the correctness of this Pastor’s holy assertion is that he loves the future president Ted Cruz, who in turn loves him.
So those guys in Islamic State must be following the Bible, after all when they say slavery is right; they would enslave Yazidi young women and kill their men (apart from other non-believers). The Holy Bible had said : “Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man (Numbers 31:17), but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.(Ibid, 31:18).
Beheading was an art perfected under the watchful guidance of God : I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony of Jesus and because of the word of God, (Revelation. 20:4). Also “This day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands, and I will strike you down and remove your head from you. And I will give the dead bodies of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel” (1 Samuel 17:46). What else could be a better way to show that there is a Christian God in Jewish Israel? I hardly need to recount how David beheaded Goliath after killing him with a sling shot and thereby pleased God and was anointed by Him. No wonder those guys in black clothes and mask are giving the rest of the world a sound chase.
There is an Iconic Leadership Organization out there (in the US, where else?) who once offered cookies to Scout girls. This unholy act infuriated Pastor Kevin Swanson of Colorado.
“These people are training the girls… Don’t train the girls to be feminists”, said the God-fearing Pastor. “They are encouraging lesbianism, abortion and contraception for 14-year-old girls.”
The Pastor went on (on his popular weekly radio show) that “feminism should be discouraged.” (Didn’t God say in the Bible that Man is the head of the woman (1 Corn. 11:3)?
Now, that being so, what do you do with those Scout girls who surely should be practising homosexuality when they are together in their camp tents? And how do we punish them? The pastor has a solution as refined as a biblical one.
“The scout leaders should be killed by way of “a millstone” hanged around their necks, and then drowned in the sea.”
You can’t find a more suitable punishment for young girl scout leaders in Exodus Leviticus, Deuteronomy or Numbers, let alone Revelations where Jesus in the form of a four-horned goat will hand out all the punishment.
Pastor Mike Bickle is an evangelist who leads The International House of Prayer, Kansas City. Presidential hopeful and Canada-born dual citizen (till he stood up for nomination) Ted Cruz embraced him with true affection when Bickle announced his support to the former. Reverend Mike hopes that with the inauguration of Cruz, the fate of the Jews – wherever they might be – will be sealed. This is what he had foretold a few years ago:
“Let me tell you, these 20 million — less than 20 million Jews worldwide, there’s about 5 million in Israel, about another 15 million worldwide, a little bit less than that — those 15 million, God is going to bring them all back. Two-thirds will die in the rage of Satan and in the judgments of God and one-third, every one of the one-third, will be in the land before it’s over and they’ll be worshipers of Jesus … The Lord says, ‘I’m going to give all 20 million of them the chance to respond to the fisherman. And I give them grace. And I give them grace …if they don’t respond to grace, I’m going to raise up the hunters … And the most famous hunter in recent history is a man named Adolf Hitler.”
Somebody should have read out this prophecy to Netanyahu when he came to address the Congress in Washington within the earshot of a seething Obama (with a Muslim middle name). Netanyahu was invited by the Republicans, of whom Ted Cruz is the next hopeful president if only he could trounce that bad-mouthed, sleazy Donald Trump who peeps into Mrs. Heidi Cruz’s bedroom and howls, “I’ll spill the beans!”
Why, indeed, did the great Reverend Bickle quote Hitler? Their lies a bond that stretches out to some eighty years. In a speech delivered on 12th April 1922 at Munich, Herr Hitler had said:
“My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight
for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before in the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice…. And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people…. When I go out in the morning and see these men standing in their queues and look into their pinched faces, then I believe I would be no Christian, but a very devil if I felt no pity for them, if I did not, as did our Lord two thousand years ago, turn against those by whom to-day this poor people is plundered and exploited.”
If Hitler was from distant Germany and actually was forced to fight against America, the God’s Own Country (a name awarded to the US by Billy Graham in his grace), let us not forget that the great devout, patriot and industrialist Henry Ford had expressed the same sentiments serially in his tabloid, “The International Jew”.
Goebbels, the sinning atheist had said that Hitler was an atheist like him. Far from it. In his “Mein Kampf,” Hitler called upon his Saviour several times and made out a case for the Protestants and Catholics joining hands against Jews.
That last idea of Herr Hitler (a union of Protestants and Catholics ) won’t appeal to the Reverends I respectfully mentioned above. This is so because Pope Francis, at the head of that Church of the Antichrist has been saying that Christianity has many other things than LGBT to worry about. Is he a Christian, really? What could be more important than drowning a few scout leader girls who would surely be fingering each other after lights out inside their camp tents?
“On that occasion I said this: If a person is gay and seeks out the Lord and is willing, who am I to judge that person? I was paraphrasing by heart the Catechism of the Catholic Church where it says that these people should be treated with delicacy and not be marginalized.”
Imagine that: the men, women, boys and girls who should be drowned in the sea with millstones tied to their necks should be treated with delicacy! Has he ever read the Bible and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah where Gomorrah must have been destroyed just because it lay close to Sodom, the land where sodomy was invented, intended, and attempted on male angels?
If Ted Cruz becomes the President of the United States of America just as David became the king of Israel with the guidance of God, my mind will be made up. Ted Cruz, God willing (does God have a choice?), will be the President – so prophesies Rafael Cruz, the evangelical who also happens to be Ted’s biological holy father who hailed from Cuba. Along with his fellow-evangelist Larry Huch, the elder Cruz had prophesied:
“Ted Cruz is anointed by God to help Christians in their effort to “go to the marketplace and occupy the land … and take dominion” over it. This “end-time transfer of wealth” will relieve Christians of all financial woes, allowing true believers to ascend to a position of political and cultural power in which they can build a Christian civilization. When this Christian nation is in place (or back in place), Jesus will return.” (These words are quoted ad-verbatim but no piracy is intended.). Just imagine that : all financial woes of the Christian world will be over once President Ted Cruz takes over. China can say goodbye to its three Trillion. So Can India, which puts in all its cash reserves in the American basket.
When that happens, I want to be there. I will try and pay for my Green Card, or even better, wangle a citizenship like President Cruz himself.
Catholics, I am assured by Peter Hammond and other knowledgeable people, are Satan’s worshippers and their Pope is the real incarnation of Satan. To a point, one will need to agree. That sadly smiling face of Pope Francis might be hiding a permissive thread of sinful thought. You have read what he had to say about the most sinful of things that a man or woman or girl scout can sin.
However, there are Catholics, and there are Catholics. Which is a great relief for the one who seeks a sinless life and afterlife in heaven in the shade of the shining throne of God.
Some doubting sinners asked The Archbishop of St. Louis, Robert Carlson, why he did not try and stop or report the hundred-odd priests under him for having sex with children while he was the chancellor of the St. Paul and Minneapolis archdiocese.
“I did not know that having sex with children was illegal,” explained the Archbishop. How indeed was he to know? There is nothing about holy (or unholy) paedophilia in the Bible which has all the sacred laws and commandments that God divined for man.
Though he didn’t say it in so many words, the Archbishop also did not know (or did not think) that paedophilia had anything to do with LGBT.
I agree with the Archbishop. None of those Catholic Fathers, Brothers, Bishops and perhaps a few Cardinals (who must not be mentioned) did not know that having sex with children was illegal – only having the same with women was because a priest cannot have two masters.
So my mind is made up. Ted Cruz becomes President and I ask my friend Nelson Jacob to take me to a secret church in Tianjin to be baptised. The only question that remains is which Jesus should I confess to : Jesus of the Church Of England, or the Reformist Church, Methodist, Baptist, Eastern Orthodoxy, Russian Orthodox, Coptic Church, Pentecost, Amish, Mormon or… the Catholic Church, the one on which the deceptively soft-spoken Antichrist Pope Francis presides?